The greatest love story you will never know about….
This is probably one of the hardest posts for me to write, and it is not because I have writer’s block or that my fingers are beyond painful right now- which they are; it is because I am afraid of unleashing pain in me I’ve never fully honored and have allowed to consume, my immune system and my soul. I can no longer pay the price of ignorance, nor can I claim it either — I always knew what is was doing to me, a slow suicide. Perhaps, somewhere within me, that was a goal.
I know a lot of people, a lot of people think they know me but in truth I’ve only held a few in close confidence…one or two and given any point in time. Some have betrayed my confidence. For the rare few that have not — know that this pain I am about to unleash is not directed at you.
It was never easy for me to step out and into the spotlight, despite what some may say. Each time I did a part of me screamed inside how stupid I must be to think what I say actually matters.
I had a very distorted body image of myself, I hated my body. And, unfortunately I thought then, having extremely intuitive skills I read those thoughts and too many times I am comfortable in saying. “She has such a pretty face, if only..” ripped me to shreds. All of this reinforced that self hate I had for something out of my control. You know who you are, and you abused my presence with your thoughts and your comments.
If I reached out to others and shared my story as a once child who was hospitalized more times than I could count back then, you claimed I lied for attention. I was hoping to reach others who survived such a thing. I was one of those kids now so many run to fundraise on their profiles so they can look like good people but lies came out of their mouths about me — Yes, I pay attention. I, as the survivor, was the liar, and then your dysfunctional mask smiled to the world. That is an ugliness I find repulsive. I will no longer feel bad about myself and that little innocent girl who was so scared — I will not die inside to spare your feelings.
Much like when I found the courage to admit openly to the world my greatest nightmares. You claimed it was for attention, or that I made it up. Have you seen any of my family combat it ? No, you have not. They know the truth, but they lied to you. The one time a brother chimed in on social media was when he wanted my son, a musician, to send him a free cd. It’s funny how they crawl out of the cellars when they think money is involved. I chimed back that the kids needed to make their investment back, or something to that extent. Immediately he unleashed his abusive ways claiming everything I said never happened- funny thing I am not the one with a rap sheet in multiple states for beating the women in my life — and some kids. Not to mention all the other things — I never openly shared and because I felt bad for him, we came from a very dysfunctional environment. I knew and know he was harmed, traumatized, for most of his childhood. I let it slide, allowing the pain to hurt me not him. That is a mistake I am no longer willing to make.
You see, he was also the brother who beat the shit out of me every chance he got. I cannot tell you how many times our mother took me to the emergency room for sprained wrists and bloody noses. He’s over half a decade older than I. I was a little girl. Then he would convince me he was my protector and he was my favorite brother, being gaslit was my training. No more. My mother no longer rings in my ears, “what did you do to upset him?” There’s a reason his name rhymes with Flare, and all those buddies of his, the old gang on Robin Dr. in Des Plaines, know what his nickname was….and why? Yeah, I was among his first victims.
Included in my pain I need to unleash is the heart of a mother and not to children I gave birth to, no, rather to the ones that were in my care far too young in my life, my nephews. Them and their cousins, all deserve validation that I doubt they have ever had. What your parents, my siblings, did to you and your other parent, was shitty. WE all were neglected and you deserved so much better than the foundation you had to walk out on.
No child’s mother should grab them, shake them and threaten to shove a hairbrush down their “fucking throat” all because a 4/5 year old dared to interrupt her on the phone that was plastered to her ear. I flew at you on that day, and I will do it again if you even think about denying this- and I told you then if I ever see or hear of you hurting either of them I would rip your throat out in ways you could not imagine, and I meant it…I am non violent, use your imagination.
You should remember that time, because it was during the time you were sleeping on the couch, the kids living with us, one of which came earlier…actually he came MUCH earlier than you via an airplane, alone, and clutching a teddy bear .
It was when my father whose body was wracked with Rheumatoid and his heart had suffered so many cardiac arrests paramedics called that man, Big Al, a walking miracle- he suffered a complete mental breakdown. The stress was too much and in our family style it was dramatic — he was going to kill himself and us, Mom and I. Thankfully, he was drunk and were able to wrestle the knife away. The kids were at a neighbors. I had to watch police in front of my home in a suicide standoff with a man I so admired and loved — my father. Then to hear the doctors say the stress of the family was too much and broke him, my father — not their blood father, mine…that’s a pain hard to foget.
I got the years of pain and sickness, and taking care of him, which I would do all over again but I was despised by them, secretly, and one did lash at me stating that fact and all because I was his bloodchild. They were envious his blood ran through my veins, and not theirs. Mr. Flare should remember that unleashing.
I won’t go over the details of my history of being a survivor of child sexual assault, I will say that one of you was married to the beast that has been hardest for me to forget. You and your lifestyle brought that piece of shit into my life — take accountability for those choices, you were an adult. I was child, 9 yrs old. It happened, I’ve faced it — and now should you, along with all the other trauma you’ve sustained. Again, we all came out of the same flames of hell.
When you do that perhaps you won’t snipe at the next disabled person with mobility issues how they should just go into assisted living…not once,not twice, but three times and in the witness of one of my children. You also charged me for electricity for a stay while I was desperately looking for housing during a housing crisis — I bought food, paid for gas, bought you cigarettes and did everything I could in those 5 weeks, but only to be snipped away at — you even told me what I could NOT discuss; my children, the paper, any of my advocating, any volunteering I had done, nor about your boys, and yes, also I was not to mention my health.
When I awoke with a frozen shoulder in dire pain, I asked for help, I received none. I drove myself to the urgent care, barely able to move my shoulders, one handed. Then, when you decided that using a heating pad and my computer was costing too much in electricity, you punished me and took back the heating pad you allowed me to use — the one you said you never used.
You married a very caring and loving man. Before you allow whatever eats at you any further to destroy what relationship you may have, address the demons — you’re losing enough right now, as it is, feel the pain of a mother’s heart breaking, you need to honor that, that is how you will honor your child, your children. Cycles can still be broken.
As for my other sibling. His soul has never stopped aching from the death of a brother I never got the honor to meet. He keeps himself a recluse and has helped me a couple of times, for which I am grateful — however, it too came with a price. I was made to feel lower than shit for even asking. A trait our mother passed on. He too was raised in the middle of dysfunction and pain swirling.
As for any of the others, there are too many to detail, just be aware that I know what has been said and done. I am not ignorant to those facts, rethink your vile judgements in the future so you no longer keep cycles churning. And be extremely careful if you lash out at me or about me — or anyone I love, I have backup. Rethink those steps before you take them.
I am not going to waste time justifying myself, I know what I’ve done for each and every one of you — and for every community I’ve lived in, I can stand tall.
You can write this off , or at least try to, it really doesn’t matter to me, I am at peace. I was guided to this peace by an amazing man who has loved me for longer than I even know. He paid the sacrifice of giving me space to grow and for me to love myself. He always remained close, and I felt him and his efforts for over 15 years now. None of you know him, and most of you will probably never met him. I am extremely protective of those I love, as is he. Where we go from here, I do not know, but I do know that no matter what I can honestly say I know what love is — together we found the castle’s key. That is something no one will ever be able to take away from me.
Tomorrow I will be seeking your attention for this battle I am in, and not for myself. While I may have a personal #medicaid nightmare of a situation with #Centene it is like I told them, the moment I read about foster care children suffering from what was reported on in the press as basically neglect — you can claim my motivations to be whatever you want, it will not change my direction, only yours. Our country is being destroyed by greed — families destroyed, new victims being created every day. I cannot stomach that, and I refuse to. I may be just a pebble filling the atmosphere with facts, but facts and truth must start outweighing disinformation if we want humanity to survive. Step on toes, but do it with one purpose, love for future generations and the children of today. We can argue policies and all the rest, after we face that demon known as greed. It is your choice, but our creator, whomever your soul tells you that maybe, gave us reason and logic along with morals to be used, not exploited for gain only for a handful. No child should suffer. Right now the domino effect is causing too many victims being born into a cruel world.
Pebbles….truth…..love
Use your voice after utilizing that mind and getting in touch with your heart.
Be well
Until then this is where you can find me….
